From the selfless people in the ER

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=257985

Some good ones:

If the two dudes live in YOUR city, don't sit out on your front porch reading the bible and minding your own business at 2 AM unless you are praying to be shot

Latex paint, despite being thick and creamy, does not coat your stomach and provide the same relief as pepto bismol.

When attempting a self-circumcision do not use dry ice to numb the area... and when the dry ice sticks to the... a.... area, do not attempt to remove the ice with boiling water.

If you are a 17 year old male who decides to runaway from home taking both your 16 year old best friend “Paul” and his 14 year girlfriend in tow, by all means drink to excess as you speed down I-70 resulting in an MVC that kills the girl and seriously injures both you and your friend. While strapped down in full C-Spine immobilization in the ED, scream at the top of your lungs that this is “All Paul’s fault.” When we log roll you to perform a digital exam of your rectum to check for internal bleeding, we will be pleased when you begin screaming, “Rape! Rape! Someone’s raping my butt!” Again, blame Paul for all of this as you have done nothing to contribute to your own traumatic condition. When the nurse preps the meatus of your penis with warm betadine for foley insertion, we realize that you can only see lights and ceiling tiles, but we will giggle, nonetheless, when you clear your throat and sheepishly say, “That’s really sick Paul.”